Slaying a Different Dragon

The dragon I still struggle with the most is my hopeless and lifelong addiction to broken people. Or toxic people. Even now, with my shrink’s wise words about establishing boundaries ringing in my ears, I can’t help it. They manage to worm their way into my life, feigning normalcy, only to eventually whip off their cloak of sanity and reveal their true nature: a nasty-faced combo of manipulation, deceit and fraud.

I’ve guess I've just always had a thing for a good, old-fashioned toxic gal. And man, do they love my ass. Thank Christ I’ve always managed to also combine my toxic friendships with long-term, healthy, sane ones. 

But even way back in high school, "toxicity" equaled "interesting" in my warped head. 

Yvette made fun of my chicken legs in Gym class? God, I love Yvette. 

Cynthia falsely accused me of stealing her gold necklace? No one is cooler than Cynthia. 

Let’s not forget Denise, who told the whole school I’d hit on her. Trust me, in her dreams. 

These darlings didn’t know it, but the moment they betrayed me, made fun of me, insulted me or gossiped about me, they had became my Holy Grail. 

I would not rest until these bitches were my friends.

I’d laugh hysterically at Yvette’s crappy algebra jokes. 

Cynthia worshipped George Michael? That would be two tickets to a Wham! concert, m’dear! 

Denise was a wee bit harder to woo, since she clearly already thought I was a lesbian, and we all know lesbians want to have sex with every female in eyesight, so I had to be subtle. But I managed.

I cluelessly engaged in this drama for decades. It was only through incredibly hard work and lots of therapy that I was able to even comprehend that this was some twisted shit.

I can't begin to describe the euphoria I experienced when I finally realized that I don't have to live my life at the mercy of someone else's mood swings. That I can actually make the choice not to be manipulated by someone. And nothing, not even Opiates can compare to the high I felt when I finally began to believe that I have every goddamn right to expect to be treated by people the same way I treat them.

The sky's parted. Angels sang, accompanied by Kenny G's lilting sax.
Oh my God.

You guys know what I'm talking about.
Unless you've been raised by completely sane & wonderful parents, have no insecurities, esteem, or addiction issues, and never befriended or dated a toxic person?

Well, congrats, but what the fuck are you even doing here? This blog is for the hot messes of the world, trust me, it aint for a non-freaky, happy, kind & secure person with only wonderful and fullfilling friendships such as yourself.

This blog is for the teensity tinesity little fragment of you who understand. 

Maybe you have that friend who always manages to make you feel really bad about yourself. 

Or maybe you have a co-worker who, bores you with her endless gossipy emails, which you unenthusiastically go along with to placate her and keep her focus off you. "Yeah, Mitzi can be bitchy." That's nothing. How about when she sends your half of the conversation to the very person she was trashing. "Can you even believe she called you a bitch!?"

What about that friend who's so hypersensitive that sending them an email establishing any boundaries for yourself takes weeks to write, trying so hard to be kind and avoid all emotional sand traps. (As if!)

Here's a good one...how's about that boyfriend/girlfriend who twists every word you say and uses it against you, incorrectly, weeks later?

God, this is fun! I mean, I could go on and on and on and on, but I write this shit for free, so...

Detoxifying my life has been a long, painful, and difficult process. There've been some devastatingly hurtful confrontations, betrayals so cruel at times they took my breath away. Not to mention dealing with the residual rage from the toxies I've jettisoned.

In fact, a few relationships I let go on far longer than I should've, just to avoid the backlash.
I'm happy to say that I've finally started figure it out- why I have the hots for the tox, and why they me. (That I won't share with you, out of respect to others.)

But let's just say toxic people were the norm for me for many, many years.

These experiences, combined with therapy and a great deal of research I've done on this little personality quirk of mine have inspired me to pass on some info on the off-chance anyone else out there is screaming "YES! YES! HELP ME LORD YES!"

By the way, according to a Today show survey, 84 percent of women — and 75 percent of
men — said they'd had a toxic friend at some point, with 1 in 3 survey takers fessing up to a toxic BFF.

So I know you're out there.

In my non-professional opinion, a person is toxic if they:

Don't respect your boundaries
Complain constantly
Gossip frequently about others
Are manipulative
Project a great deal of anger
Put you down
Are hyper-sensitive
Are very jealous
Are very bitter
Blame everyone else for their problems
Hate when you succeed
Lie about you to others
Frequently freak out/throw fits
Ice you out/stonewall you
Get too close too soon
Always want something from you
Refuse to accept fault
Talk negatively about your friends

Flake out on you (More specifically, blow you off)

A while ago I stumbled across a blog called tomsplace.com, and a few things he wrote really popped out at me:

"Criticism is good, when offered with kind words in a helpful
tone. However, a toxic person derives pleasure from
telling you what is wrong with you.
When someone is critical of you, perhaps they should examine
their reasons for doing so. People who behave better with
strangers than the people close to them usually lack self esteem.
Toxic people hate you when you succeed, they also hate you
when you fail.

If a person is toxic it's not your fault.
What is your concern is whether you're treated with the respect & dignity you deserve.  Remember that people that are toxic to you aren't always toxic to everyone."

WHAT THE HELL SHOULD I DO?

If you feel you're in a toxic relationship (whether it be a friend, a mate, or even a friendship on social media), and you feel you've done everything possible to establish your boundaries, express your feelings, and taken ownership for your part in creating this dynamic...yet you know your life would be better without them? 

You have to end it.
I know, it sucks. But you do.

(I'm still working on this, God it's so hard)

The consensus of all the articles I've read mixed with my own wise therapist and lessons learned due my own painful experiences is that LIFE IS TOO DAMN SHORT. Get out as soon as you can. Eliminate them from your life and move on.

The relief you feel will astonish you. It's like getting out of prison..

But if, for whatever reason, you can't remove yourself from the relationship?

STOP taking their dramas seriously

STOP pretending their toxic behavior isnt happening

DON'T take their behavior personally

SPEAK up for yourself.

But I still think cut 'em loose if you can

THE AFTERMATH

For me, this was (and is) the worst part. Because a few ex-toxies refused to comprehend why I wouldn't simply accept their apology and let them in my life again. They spewed their rage about me at anyone who wold listen. (Which only made me exceedingly glad I didn't give them another chance.)

But deep inside I wondered if maybe they were right. Maybe I was some hideous, unforgiving monster. That is, until I read this blog in Huff Post written by Nancy Colier, a psychotherapist. She captures how I feel perfectly. I was going to share a paragraph with you, but it's so powerful I had to toss the whole damn thing in.

"We all have people in our lives who have profoundly harmed us. Sometimes the situation with the other person has changed. You may have forgiven them and they may even have taken ownership and expressed remorse for their harmful actions. Other times, the same harmful behavior goes on with no change or responsibility. To your reptilian brain however, it often doesn't matter which of these scenarios is true. With trauma, the body's memory of a harmful person can remain frozen at the time of the trauma.
This is not a blog on trauma, however.

Rather, it is about our expectation of what we are supposed to do with the people who make us feel toxic. Many people believe that in order to be "spiritual" they need to:
        1.Be able to open their heart to the people who have done them harm.
        2. No longer experience a negative reaction in their company. 

I am often asked, "What is wrong with me that I can't feel open, loving and calm in this person's presence?""Isn't being spiritual about being able to love the person who hurt me?""Isn't forgiveness the essence of spirituality?" 

Firstly, the body's reaction to someone who has harmed you is simply that: the body's reaction, something that happens. You don't choose it. It is not an indicator of your spiritual maturity, nor a gauge of your growth in life or in relationship to the trauma. In many cases, no amount of psychological or spiritual work will change your body's chemical response to the person who inflicted harm; it is hard-wired into your biology, an aspect of survival.
So the first thing to take off your plate is the idea that you "should" be able to feel good in their company. Any notion that a negative physical response makes you un-spiritual or un-evolved is, quite simply, hogwash. 

Secondly, being able to "open your heart" to someone who has caused you tremendous pain is also not a test of your spirituality. Many people deliberately put themselves in company with family and "friends" who are profoundly painful for them to be with -- in an effort to develop forgiveness or compassion -- and because they feel they "should." And yet, if your heart is not open, and the desire to be with this other is not emanating from a place of true compassion, it does you no spiritual good to do what you "should." 

The choice to exclude a person or experience from your life can be the more compassionate choice -- for yourself. And indeed, when your heart opens to your own suffering, and your own well-being, that compassion for yourself can open wide enough to include even the one who caused you suffering. But this is something that your heart will tell you -- not something that your mind can decide or force.
Spirituality is not a test. Being spiritual is about being with what is. If you feel toxic when in the company of someone who has hurt you, then you earn no spiritual points by forcing yourself to be there, and enduring that toxicity. We behave with spirit when we accept our experience the way it is. Deciding to not be with someone who makes you feel terrible, even if that person is your family or "friend," is an act of courage -- honoring yourself and the truth. 

Trust your heart; if it is ready to embrace someone who has harmed you, it will open, without force. Indeed, by giving yourself permission to say "no," to follow your truth, you are offering yourself the only real chance you have to genuinely want to be with them, at some time. Without permission to say "no," we cannot find the authentic desire to say "yes." 

And if that desire never comes, that too is as spiritual a path as any other. 

Spirituality is not about becoming the person that you are supposed to be -- not about doing the "spiritual" thing. To be spiritual is to compassionately welcome your truth -- what you actually feel -- whether you like that truth or not. To be spiritual is to stop trying to be a more spiritual and open-hearted version of yourself, and instead, to open your heart without judgment to who and how you actually are. Perhaps the hardest task of all, being spiritual is about letting yourself -- and what is so -- be."

It's called taking care of yourself. 

A novel concept, I know.

We have one precious life.

Besides, we've slayed other dragons before.

What's one more?