First of all I wanted to say that I had been planning to take a twitter break at this time for months.
I knew there wouldn't be new episodes of The Exes for a while, and it seemed like a good time. So, I decided to share my cyberbullying tale & then go.
(Which I later took down, I didn't want to have to read that poison every day. Blech)
Initially, I planned my usual month-long break, but now I'm just not sure. Twitter is full of amazing people, but they have no good policies in place to protect people. Assholes, I can handle. People who enjoy telling me I suck? Love it. Perverts? Piece of cake. But full-blown psychotically obsessed, hate-filled nutcases? No siree, not my wheelhouse.
The part that troubles me most is imagining that happening to a kid. And I know it does, every day, all the time. I just can't even imagine how esteem shattering & depressing that would be.
This is why I'm trying to address some policy issues with Twitter. They can't help that some people are nasty, or lunatics, but their policy of suspending an account, yet allowing them to instantly open another is laughable. I know they've made some efforts with their blocking policies, but it's not even close to good enough. It should be like face book, where if you block someone you're both gone from each others' world. Zero access.
It would be ideal if they allowed only one account per person, but I aint holding my breath.
If things improve, I'll be back. If not, it doesn't seem like a healthy idea for me, despite the fact that 98% of the people I've met have been truly great.
It's that teeny tiny 2% of virulent poison that infects everything.
I know, I know, shut up already.
Fine. I know you've all been dying for that Q & A blog I keep dangling, but for once I actually have a good excuse for being so tardy. This was a suprisingly tough one, much harder than I thought. Not gonna lie, I thought it would be some addiction questions mixed in with a whole lotta "how tall are you?"s and "whats Joseph Gordon Levitt really like"s? I was even ready for some shallow "where did you get that blouse?" questions.
Instead, you guys astounded me with all the wise, genuine and thoughtful questions you sent me here, on twitter, and in emails.
There were a few questions I was completely unqualified to answer, so I asked some smart people. It took a while to get all the information (smart people are busy.) When I finally heard back from them I spent 3 nights after work writing it. It was pretty damn good, I think.
Maybe my best blog post ever.
I wouldn't know, since I deleted it by accident. I couldn't fucking believe it.
*helpful hint: always save writing when battery low.
Let's give it another whirl, shall we?
Some questions I've edited to get right to the question. Even a few compliments, which completely goes against my actress nature. I really welcome others feedback & input...as long as it's not a lecture. What works for you aint always what works for others. It's best to share you're story, and what worked for you, or how you relate, instead of "You shoulds" or "Why haven't you's?"
I decided to keep everyone anonymous, only because I wasn't sure who cared about that.
Finally, consider this feedback from a friend. I'm not a doctor, a psychiatrist, or some sort of recovery expert.
But then, neither was Dear Abby, so....
It depends what you're idea of a successful career is. To me, they are one and the same.
They're both equally fulfilling.
They're both equally fulfilling.
However you and I may have a different idea of what "success" is.
It took me a long to understand what it really means, to me. And it has absolutely nothing to do with money or fame. Believe it or not, those can destroy you (Example: well, me. And a crapload of others.)
It took me a long to understand what it really means, to me. And it has absolutely nothing to do with money or fame. Believe it or not, those can destroy you (Example: well, me. And a crapload of others.)
To me, Success is: You enjoy what you do, get some sort of fulfillment from it, and it makes you feel vital. This can range from being a schoolteacher, a waitress, a mom, a taxi driver, the CEO of a Bank, etc etc etc.
It's very difficult to balance life & career. Some days are way more fulfilling than others, in every way.
I just try to be generous, grateful, and honest. That's changed my life and my career in profound ways.
KJo I just try to be generous, grateful, and honest. That's changed my life and my career in profound ways.
2. 'Depressed in Daytona" asked:
"Hi Kristen,While I don't have experience with alcohol or substances, I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, anxiety, and a few other things. For a few months I tried therapy, but it didn't really help.
I moved to FL to see if sunshine would help it along. Big mistake. I feel like I have absolutely no coping mechanisms left. If see a dead animal on the side of the road, I cry, and then I feel like a moron. It's eating my self-esteem. My question is, do you know of any resources (organizations, etc.), that help people without insurance?"
Dear "Depressed"
God, I can't describe how much I relate to this.
I suffered for about 6 years with a debilitating bout of clinical depression, right at the height of my career. I think you know this already...but therapy is hugely important, at least it was to me. I also found medication essential to help me crawl back out.
Oh, and getting sober sure as hell helped.
So did telling the truth and being vulnerable enough to ask for help.
I really feel for you. I used to think "If I moved I'd be happy" or "A different job" or "If I lost weight" or "Had a different/better boyfriend" or "Better teeth" or "Was shorter" or IF IF IF.....
I venture to say that your unhappiness more than likely has nothing to do with your circumstances, or where you live. You can't just "snap out of it" and you won't wake up and find yourself "cured," and things would be just as bad anywhere else. I'm NO trained psychiatrist, obviously. I'm just someone who knows the deep, unrelenting and indescribable pain you're in.
That said, please take my input as you would a pal, NOT anyone trained to handle those with clinical depression. I can only share with you the 4 things that worked for ME: Getting my ass sober, anti-depressant medication, therapy and hard work.
I went to different therapists for years, nothing helped. (Der, maybe cause I never mentioned the real issue?) Then when I got sober, I had to try three different shrinks before I met Dr. Mary, and I finally understood how essential the right person is. She utterly changed my life, in fact, I kind of wrote GUTS for her. Every week, I'd read her a new chunk or chapter and she was the best audience imaginable. Weeping, oohing, clapping, you name it.
But more than that, she got me. I haven't seen her in 2 years, (she's in NY, I've been in LA) and I still think of things she said constantly. My point is, the most important thing is finding the right person or place for YOU.
Really good therapy, to me, is really just a conversation about yourself with someone wiser than you, who's completely honest with you. Someone you feel safe enough to share exactly how fucked up you really are, knowing they wont judge you or punish you.
Someone who doesn't say "and how did that make you feel?"
"Gee, Fantastic, Doc. That's why I brought it up, weeping."
The good ones aren't all that easy to find. But they exist.
Here are a few links I found that I hope are of some help to you:
*OrmondBeachcounseling.com This place seems cool, offers sliding scale....Ormond Beach Counseling Center • 200 E. Granada Boulevard, #206 • Ormond Beach, Florida 32176 • 386-269-0428
*Mental Health America of East Central Fla.http://www.mhavolusia.org
*And finally, I've found Psychology Today to be a very helpful, concise overview of different therapists. All anyone has to do is type in "Psychology Today Therapists in (your area)/your issue."
Here's the link for your area, specific to depression: therapists.psychologytoday/com
In terms of no insurance, I haven't a clue...but hopefully one of the above links can assist you with that.
It's hard, hard work, no doubt about it. Please don't get discouraged!
Like I say...Recovery, from anything aint for pussies.
Please keep me posted..
KJo
PS. If anyone out there with more knowledge on this, or who's aware of Insurance-free therapy/programs in Daytona, please don't hesitate to share.
3. "I'm in a pickle "wrote:
I had to hide my recent medication change because I am told I don't need my meds. I am also told I don't need to go to the Doctor for stuff, I am just old. I am 49 & I am not old, which I told this person that several times. How do I not feel sneaky about hiding meds? Or feel guilty when this person cries because I stand up for me?
Dear Pickle
I'm 47. So no, you're not "old." Not to me anyway.
And yes people DO need to go to a Dr, especially us old hags. (Me, not you.)
It's very difficult to address this in depth, without certain details....For example, is this a mate? A friend? Could their concerns be legitimate? Is the medication potentially addictive? Have you ever had addiction issues in the past?
I used to be a BRILLIANT pill hider. We could be having dinner, face to face, talking intimately and you'd never see the 6 Vicodin I took throughout. You wouldn't suspect anything either. About a month or so after rehab, I was having dinner at my house with one of my oldest, closest friends.
I had a headache, so I secretly popped an Advil.
I didn't realize until the next day. I called him & said "Hey Hickey, remember last night when I coughed & said 'I think I'm coming down with something?''"
"Yeah"
"I fucking lied. I'm so used to sneaking pills that I can't even take an ADVIL like a normal person."
"You'll get there, sweetie. I'm so glad you told me." Then he added, with a hint of admiration "I didn't have a clue."
"No one did" I said woefully
My point...Jesus, what was my point? Ah! It's that secrets are really, really bad. Keeping something like a medication you actually need from a loved one is addictive behavior. (I'm not saying you, or anyone else is an addict. But follow that road, and suddenly everything blows up in your face.)
There's some good news if you're an addict though. The road will blow about 100 xs faster. So, theres that.
Regardless, Pickle...I sincerely hope your loved one begins to accept your ancient ass.
And NEVER, EVER, EVER stop standing up for yourself!
EVER.
Love
K
3. "Wassup" wrote:
You stick up for women and don't bash them on Twitter. Was there a specific incident in your life that inspired you to be this way? Also, you speak your mind about a lot. When saying something against the grain about a celebrity are you ever afraid of the backlash?
Thanks darling Wassup...
Maybe because I was bullied in school, I can't stand when I see people doing it to others, especially kids.
There has been a deeply upsetting trend on twitter of the meanest, sickest, terrible behavior. I had no clue people could be that mean, as adults. I'd stick up for anyone being bullied, on social media or in life. WE ALL SHOULD.
(I've even privately asked people to ease up on someone who was trashing ME. Swear)
Re: speaking my mind hmmm.....Nah, I don't care. Well, only if I inadvertantly hurt someone's feelings. Sometimes my sense of humor & bluntness and, well smartassyness is misread. But I never ever wish to hurt someone. Maybe give them a little shit, you know?
Celebrities? I only slap the wrists of a few. And only if they really irritate me. But I'm not some celeb-hater. For example, I used to give a certain singer grief (For incessantly posing in a bikini, day in & out.) That is, until I realized the shocking amount of hate already being spewed at her. So I stopped mentioning her completely. Awful.
By the way, who made up the rule that all celebrities (I hate that word, sorry) must like each other? Does every taxi driver have to adore every other one? Every Lawyer? Every dog walker? etc etc
Probably the same asshole who came up with C-List, Z-List, etc.
4. "A Twitter Pill To Swallow" asked
On Twitter, If I have a follower who follows someone I dislike greatly, do I unfollow them? Sometimes I notice people I like and respect follow people that make me question who they are.
I say no. If that person has never trashed you, spread lies, acted in ways you found repulsive, etc...why punish them for having poor taste?
5. "Suboxone Sweetie" asked...
I've been clean from Opiates for 16 months. This whole time I've been on a medication to assist me. (Suboxone) I need a total hip replacement but I keep putting it off.
Will I know when I'm ready to get off Suboxone?
Hi "Sweetie"...
This is a question you need to address with your addiction Dr. and Osteo guy. (Wouldn't want all those fancy degrees to go to waste.) Then, whenever you feel ready, you can come up with a comprehensive plan to taper off.
Opiates are a maddening, delicate issue very few really understand. I have way too much respect for the power they wield than to casually toss you some answer. Both of the recovery Doctors I asked said the same thing: "It depends."
I do feel qualified to share something regarding your hip replacement. It's what my addiction psychiatrist said after I fell & broke all those bones. I called him in fear about all the pain meds I was taking, and he said "Kristen. You're a patient first, and addict second."
I don't know why, but it gave me such relief. All these years I thought it was the opposite.
I wish you the very BEST of luck, it's not an easy journey.
My respect
K
6. "Curious George" asked:
Why do you interact with fans so much?
Does it ever affect your sobriety when so many seem to want you to save them?
Dear George
Interacting with those struggling helps keep me sober. That's the main reason.
Sometimes it weighs on me too much, or begins taking a toll, and I leave social media.
My recovery matters way too much to me.
xx
7. "Please Like Me" asked
I have an incessant need to be liked. How do I get over it & not care anymore?
Dear "Please"
Try Twitter. Everyone will despise you at some point or another.
Seriously, the only thing that helped me was the slow process of learning how to like myself. Now, how I feel takes precedent over desperately trying to make everyone else happy. Or trying to be who I think you want me to be.
Finally, fuck off.
That help?
Love
K
8. "Hopeless" asked
I've been clean/sober since 1995.
I've been so depressed lately and feeling hopeless, feel like giving up, which would inevitably lead to using again. I'm in a hole trying to claw my way out but am afraid I'm sinking deeper. I'm in week 2 of almost complete isolation.
How do you do it all? How do you keep going even with all the obstacles in life?
Dearest Hopeless,
You already know this, being a recovery warrior: you need to get some help, some self-care, go to meetings...reach out to someone in real life. Not internet.
Please, Hopeless, do this as soon as possible.
How do I do it? (Took out "all" cus no one does it all.) I swear to you, there's no magic. Some days SUCK. But I have a support system I can contact anytime. I make sure to TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.
My deepest wish for you, and all those suffering from addiction and/or depression: There is relief. You just have to seek it.
My very very best to you, sweet hopeless
I'm going to leave it there for the moment.
I hope you've had a laugh and found some comfort here.
MUCH More to come.....
Love
KJo
PS. Be a lamb and tweet, post on Facebook, would you? Thanks ever so much.
PS. Be a lamb and tweet, post on Facebook, would you? Thanks ever so much.
Dear Charm, (may I call you Charm?)