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Morgan Asked

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My memoir GUTS was released in March of 2012. Before it’s release, my Literary agent convinced me to join twitter & facebook. Eww, blech. Why would I want to read mean crap people thought about me? Besides, what if the book was poorly received? 
She ignored me (as usual) and insisted.

I’m so glad she did.
Because while I most certainly have had my fair share of insults (curiously, often misspelled) and trolls, I’ve also met some truly incredible people who’ve really impacted my life.  Morgan, then only 14 years old, is one of them. 

We met on twitter, and from the start, she asked questions that would take me hours, sometimes days to answer.
I wanted to answer truthfully, but I also knew how important words are to teens, and I didn't want to say the wrong thing.
These are just a few of our exchanges....


PLEASE note that I do not in any way claim to be an expert on the human condition or psychology. These were just as honest as I could answer at the time.
(These are our exchanges verbatim)





March 10th, 2012
Morgan asked:
"What qualities do you think makes a good person?"


Morgan

After giving a lot of thought to it, I came up with these 10 qualities:
10. People who are quietly generous, and ask for no glory.
9. People who are trustworthy.
8. People who have the ability to admit when they're wrong.
7. People who can laugh at themselves.
6. People who tell the truth, even if they’d rather lie.
5. People who are brave
4. People who don't bring others down, especially those “weaker”

than themselves.
3. People who accept themselves for who they really are, flaws and all....

and not who they (or others) wish they were.
2. People who try to make the world a better place.
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1. People who listen.

I’m not saying I’ve mastered these (especially no 1!!)...but I’m working on it....


March 23,2012
Morgan asked:
"How do you determine whether someone is trustworthy or not?"


I believe people tell you exactly who they are within moments of meeting them. (Unless they’re a sociopath. I’ve found those take a lot longer.) Unfortunately, I don't always listen to my instincts.
Here's what you (and me, dammit) should look for:


Are they reliable?
Do they do what they say? (ie, if it’s someone you like & they say "I'll call you tomorrow", and they don't, I don't care how foxy they are: not trustworthy.) 

Do they trash others? (Funny we never consider the fact that more than likely, they'll happily trash you to the next person they see.)
Do they tell you secrets others have shared with them? (HELLO)
Are they toxic?
Do you feel badly about yourself in their presence?
Do they try to manipulate you?
Do they lie to you?

I guess what I'm trying to say is this: If your gut tells you something's "off" about someone....IT IS.
But Morgan, I still have trouble listening to my instincts. Later, I think “I knew it! I knew I couldn't trust this person! I knew they were lying, manipulating, toxic and not good for me. But I chose to ignore my GUTS.”
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Ironic, yes?
I’m working so hard on this. Hope this helps!


March 26, 2012
Morgan asked:
"How do you deal with the rejection that comes along with acting?"


Here’s what I do (and tell my students to do as well). When you go to an audition, your goal can’t be to “get the job”. If it is, I guarantee you: you will suck, instantly. If you walk in with some other goal "I'm gonna breathe today" or "I'm gonna be in the moment" or "I'm not gonna try to impress anyone. Just gonna tell the truth."“I’m not going to take this all so seriously”, etc.
If you leave an audition and you achieved your goal, GREAT!
If not, something to work on for next time.
That way, your self-esteem isn’t totally dictated by the whims of others. And if you actually get the part? That's gravy.
But statistics say, you probably won’t.
For every role I audition for, I still get a “no” 95% of the time.

I ain’t gonna kid you, as many of my fellow actors will attest I'm sure...
It's really hard, Morgan. Otherwise everyone would do it.


To be an actor, you must be vulnerable, truthful and raw. Open.
Yet you get stomped on thousands of times. So you have to be a hardcore tough-as- nails badass too.

A really tricky combo.
I’ve watched even the finest actor turn into a bitter mess due to all the rejection.

Two things I know for sure: if you TRY to make sense of why you didn’t get a certain part, you'll go mad. And if you walk in trying to be who they want, you most definitely won't be.
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Love K

April 7, 2012
Morgan asked:
“How do you always look so beautiful?”


After resisting the temptation to tell Morgan I wake up looking gorgeous, I gotta props where propage is due.
I actually love doing makeup, and I do my own for ‘the exes’ and most talk shows. However, if it’s a crazy day or a photo shoot, I’ll use a makeup artist. My favorite is Garret Gervais in LA.

My locks however, I suck at. I just throw it up in bun. My hair for almost everything you’ve ever seen me on has been done either by Gaetano Romeo or my dear friend David Dieguez. David works at Jonathan George salon in Beverly Hills & also does my hair now for ‘the exes’. Color done when in NY by Brad Johns.
I'm telling you. IT TAKES A VILLAGE.
And I'm an old hag who hasn't had facelift/fillers, etc. So I need all the HELP I can get!
Oh, and being happy sure helps.


May 21 2012
Morgan asked:
“For two years I’ve been bullied by someone. Any advice? And do you know if your bully, Amy ever read the book?”


First I want to say that I was never bullied. My brother certainly was, but I was relentlessly teased. I think there’s an important distinction.
"Amy" is really a composite of 2 mean girls who ruled the school. One was gorgeous, the other not quite as much. But both equally cruel. 
I ran into the gorgeous one years later in the mall where she wanted my autograph. So all the events happened, but I combined the girls because I’m not into trashing people decades after the fact. We were kids, you know? So I made sure they were well- disguised.
But the actual events occurred. Same with ‘Sully.’ Certain physical details were changed.
By the time I reached high school, most of the teasing ended. But if I was teased, I learned its much smarter to try to rise above them. You know the expression "never let 'em see you sweat"? Like that.
Be graceful & smile at people, if they say degrading things say "feel better about yourself yet?”

I know this is really hard.
And it sounds like you’re having a brutal time of it, and I’d give anything to have a little one on one with those girls.
I know you’re smart enough to know this...but it’s all about their feelings of insecurity & self-loathing.

Besides, do you really want to peak in high school?
FYI, every single successful person I know was a dork who was tortured as a kid.


May 21 2012
Morgan asked:
“A friend of mine has been acting really mean to me all of a sudden. I keep trying to ask her whats wrong, but she won’t answer. Now she’s spreading terrible lies about me. What should I do?”


A friend should bring out the best in you. You should feel safe, trusted & loved. You should be exactly YOU in a friendship. (Or any relationship, for that matter.)
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You're not alone, Morgan. I've had toxic friendships my whole life. (Thank God I’ve been blessed with a great many non-toxic ones as well.)
Unfortunately, it still happens to me. Now, pretty much only on social media. But it doesn’t lessen the confusion and hurt. Not to mention the shame. When will I finally learn to listen to my instincts?
I'm so sorry this happened to you, sweetie. But YOU know the truth, and that's all that matters. I swear to god this will make you a more compassionate, loving, INTERESTING person in the long run.

Check out this article: http://www.helium.com/items/1415930-toxic-friends 

*I just wrote a blog about this very topic as well, calledSlaying A Different Dragon


July 12, 2012
Morgan asked:
"What advice would you give someone (like me) who is trying to figure out who they are and find their purpose?"


Oh, goodie. Another easy one. (?)
Jesus.
Honestly, I would tell you to continue to do everything you're doing. Ask lots of Questions (not just of others but yourself.)
Do 1 selfless thing a day.
Try to live a self-examined life.

Be open to the twists & turns life offers.
Know that it's the people you struggle with who have the most to teach you.

Then, your purpose will reveal itself. K
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Aug 4th 2012
Morgan asked:
"What advice would you give someone who's struggling to be happy and confident about themselves? Me & a friend need your advice!"

I guess I could say all that stuff you've already heard "act confident & you'll be confident" or "ignore what other people think" or "follow your dreams", etc etc etc...are true.
But the simplest & best advice I have for you might not be what you want to hear: live as generous a life as possible.

Now, I know it sounds weird--"how will helping OTHER people make ME happy?"
I'll tell you: I'm 44 (I know, I know "WHAT??? NO WAY!", etcetc) and I lived most of my life as a selfish person. I wasn't necessarily mean or a jerk, really. I was just interested in making myself as happy as possible without much thought to others. Which didn't work AT ALL. (See: GUTS) Then, after rehab, I came home to my dusty, empty apartment & thought "How on earth could someone with so much have so little?"
I've slowly learned over the past 6 years that if I help people, whether it be teaching at NYU, helping a homeless guy, or taking time out of my day to reach out to someone who's struggling---THAT's what makes me feel happy & vital. 
Same with writing to you and others, sometimes when I really didn't feel like it or was having a crappy day myself.
You're so young, I don't expect you to run to the nearest soup kitchen. But what about reading to kids in a cancer ward once a month? or simply stopping to listen to that lonely, annoying neighbor who talks too much? Or volunteering once a month at an animal shelter? Or seeing something on twitter & writing that person words of encouragement? Or ask your dad if he needs help.
If you start to live a life of generosity, it will bring you more joy and confidence than you EVER could've imagined.page8image17672
I think you are a really exceptional young woman & gorgeous to boot. Honey, when you're about 18 you're gonna have all the boy worship you want. Just make sure you remember that beauty starts & ends within.
I hope this helps! 
Love, KJothewindbag

Aug 28 2012
Morgan sent me this:

“I just started riding the bus home. The first time I rode it was on thursday and I had never ridden a bus before in my life. I was a little terrified, nervous, and kind of upset about it at first. I didn't know a single person on my bus. But then, as I was sitting on the bus on Friday, and something crossed my mind: "We're all just freaks in the same leaky coconut raft. Hold on, life just might surprise you if you give it a chance." I'm not saying they're freaks (although some of them are) but I looked around me and realized I wasn't anywhere near being the only one in that situation. Thinking of that made me feel a lot more open minded, and turns out I've made a few new friends and it's not as bad as I thought it would be.
This may sound kind of stupid, and I feel lame for being so worried about it, but I thought I'd tell you because it's just another example of how you've helped me! xo"

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And finally....
Morgan’s review of Guts, on her extraordinary blog, Becoming Morgan

I have GUTS
A review by Morgan Craven
GUTS The Endless Follies & Tiny Triumphs of a Giant Disaster

by Kristen Johnston.

This book couldn’t have a better, more accurate title. I never thought something as simple as a book could change my life.
I found Kristen on Twitter in December of 2011. We both had just joined, and I was amazed and overly excited that she took the time to actually respond to me. When I heard she had a book coming out, I pre-ordered it immediately.
I spent several agonizing weeks waiting until it finally came in the mail, and the second it did I plopped on the couch and proceeded to read the entire book, cover to cover. 

From that moment on, my life was changed. Right then and there, I began seeing things differently. I didn’t know it then, but ‘Guts’ came into my life at the perfect time. I was at a point in my life where I was ready to start breaking out of my shell of shyness and insecurity. This book gave me exactly what I needed to do that.
I’ve read ‘Guts’ religiously, countless times since then, and every time I do, it seems like I learn something new or I make a new connection between some of Kristen's experiences with my own.
First and foremost, ‘Guts’ helped me realize than I am not a victim at all... of anything or anyone. I'm not a victim of those who viciously bullied me for years, nor of the difficulties life throws my way. Simply by reading it, I was able to discover my own power and strength, as Kristen discovered her own.
Also, as someone who has addiction in my genes, it really struck a nerve. Not just how dangerous drugs and alcohol can be, but also understanding that addiction is not a choice, but rather a disease. So many people are so angry with addicts, understandably thinking that they are choosing the drug or the booze over them. But I see now that this isn't true. I realized that addicts are some of the most misunderstood people in the world.page10image16856page10image17016
I learned so much as an aspiring writer. I know how nerve-wracking it can be talking about personal struggles with a friend. But to tell the truth about who you are, with all the gross, crazy, funny, gory, embarrassing details, to the world? seems unimaginably terrifying to me. The fact that Kristen did this is so inspiring and still amazes the crap out of me.
Both ‘Guts’ and it’s author have helped me become stronger in ways you cannot begin to imagine. She's given me the inspiration and the courage to do things I never would have been able to do two years ago. I am a better person because of her.
So, my advice to you? Get ‘Guts’. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scream, you'll wish to God you could've been there to help her at times. But in the end, you certainly won't regret it. Bearing witness to her overcoming all that she's gone through, as well as seeing her so happy now and helping others, addicts and non-addicts, is the most admirable thing I've ever seen. “Tiny triumphs”? I don’t think so.

Kristen is the strongest, sweetest, most beautiful person I've ever met. I'm very proud and honored to call a friend, and she is and always will be my biggest role model.


In the 2 years I've known Morgan, I've witnessed an unbelievable growth. Initially, she was shy, bullied, sick all the time, but (as you can see) wise beyond her years. 
As we began to communicate more, I began to understand that her living situation was terribly unhealthy for her.  
One day last summer, she visited me in Ct for a few days and from the moment she arrived she began dreading going home, and that's when I actually became worried for her well-being. Perhaps Morgan will one day share the details, but since then, I've watched this 16 year old girl FIGHT for her own health and happiness.

I've witnessed her face situations that would scare the shit out of any adult with bravery, elegance and class.
She and her dad now live with his sister, and she's blossomed beyond anything I ever could have hoped for.
Who’d have ever thought a teenager would have so much to teach a woman in her 40’s? Thank you, Morgan. I’m so incredibly proud & grateful to call you my friend.
Love, Kristen
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