UPDATE!!!!! Lena's Last Stand

          "Judge me all you want but keep the verdict to yourself"                                                

-author unknown 

Our eyes met in the mirror.
I've never seen her look more beautiful in her entire life than she did at that moment. We both knew this dress was "the one".  I was shocked and mortified to realize I was sobbing with loud abandon, drawing stares from the other customers in the store. I knew I was doing the ugly cry, which is completly out of character for me, but how could I not? 

I wanted to explain that my hysteria wasn't simply because shopping for your child's wedding dress is one of the most important, powerful, joyous, and special experiences a mother could ever share with her daughter. 

I wanted to let these impossibly lucky women understand how blessed they were. That my tears were the result of being slammed out of no where by a brick wall of sorrow, grief, terror and deep, bone-chilling regret. 

Because I now know I'll never see her wear this dress again. (And not just due to the fact that she's yet to even meet her groom.)
You see, I'm dying. 

A few weeks ago, I was told that I have less than nine months to live. At best. At worst, I'll be gone within the month. 

I've battled different medical horrors for over 2 decades. Way back in 1996, I was diagnosed with lupus. Little did I know that that was just the beginning.  Over the years, and so many Doctors and specialists I lost count years ago, I've relentlessly battled so many issues, ranging from stage 4 kidney failure to Ulcerative  Colitis. I'd list the rest of the diseases I've grappled with every day for the past 20 years, but it would take too much time. Time I no longer have left.    

The hilarious irony is, none of the above are why I'm dying. The cause of my imminent demise is due to a disease with a disappointingly  benign and relatively innocent sounding moniker: "Shrinking Lung Disease."
I prefer to call it what it is: My Death Sentence. 

This disease is so rare, there are only 59 known cases in the world. Well, now there are 60. That's me, ole lucky number 60.
 I have two choices: I could do a new chemotherapy, which even if it was "successful" chances are astronomically high that I'd die within 1   to 9 months of treatment, anyway. My other choice? Death by suffocation. By my own lungs.  

Yeah, those are my choices. (Or what my doctors refer to as my "options.") I'm filled with rage. I keep thinking about how for years I kept telling all these doctors and specialists, the people I trusted to help me get better, that I couldn't breathe. 

But as any auto-immune patient will tell you.....most of us are used to being treated either like hysterical hypochondriacs, drug-seekers or drama queens. By the time all these Doctors with their fancy degrees finally saw that I was telling the truth, it was too late.  

So I'll die, and they'll think "Darnit, that's too bad" as they cheer their son on at his little league game or giggle at a sitcom in bed with their mate or try to decide which luxury SUV to buy this year.    

What they don't get is that I'm a fighter. I've been kicking lupus's butt for most of my life. And my extraordinary daughter has been by my side for every hideous, painful, boring, funny, heartbreaking and devastating moment. 

She is why I've fought so hard. 

But how on earth do I begin to tell her I've finally lost? How can I fight when no Doctor has any hope? It's as if I'm Mohammed Ali without arms. Or Dale Ernhardt, Jr. in a car with no brakes. Or Greg Louganis performing the dive of his life off the edge of the Grand Canyon. Or Baryshnikov discovering mid-dance that his legs have disappeared.      

I'm scared of death. I wish I wasn't, but I can't seem to help it. 

I keep wondering what I did to piss God off so much. I have so many regrets. I should have finished school. I should have stayed married. I grew up in a tiny town and didn't kiss peoples butts like the rest of the crowd did. I've always been honest and spoken the truth. I spent the last fifteen years of my life hidden from the world so I didn't get sick and make lupus worse than it was. I was told that I need to stay away from germs or I could die. (Yeah, that didn't work out so good.) 

Is my isolation why I've been chosen? My smart mouth? My brutal honesty? My many mistakes? Why? Why? Why? WHY ME? 

I've always had such simple dreams. I've never drempt of wealth or fame....I just wanted to be loved. To be a good wife.  A loving mom. To raise a good human being. To watch my daughter fall in love and marry a man who truly sees her spirit.  

I can't look her in the eyes and tell her I'll never get to see her wear that beautiful dress on her wedding day. I'll never be able to hold her children in my arms, or hear their soft breath as I rock them to sleep. I'll never feel their hand holding mine as they attempt their first steps. 

Who will she confide in, tell her dreams to, trust with her fears?
       
What about my mom who just had a massive stroke? How do I tell her that I may not be there when she comes home? How do I tell my brother goodbye? I talk every day on the phone for hours with him. What about my Daddy, who works to this day to support my mom and me? He tries to tell me that God is good And I won't have to
 suffer any more. My daddy is my biggest hero, yet I only realized this a few years ago. 

I need more time. Time to love. Time to apologize to anyone that I may have been rude to, because I was hurting or suffering. I need time to make sure someone will be there to listen to my daughter and give her the best advice. I need to know who she is dating and make sure he knows she is a princess and deserves respect and to be spoiled.  

I pray there is a man worthy of her love. And I pray he has a mother who will love her like I do.  

I can't stop wondering....
How can I cram a lifetime into a millisecond?       
Is there really this beautiful place called Heaven?
Is God really going to take care of me as my father tells me?
       
And, above all....how do you die gracefully?
I hope I can do it. I cry every day, thinking of  my daughter in that beautiful wedding dress. 

And suddenly I know that I will be with her on her wedding day. I'll be there when she is rocking my grand babies to sleep. I will be there. I am in her heart, that heart that is so full of love.  

My greatest accomplishment in life is named Brianna Alycen and I will cherish every second I have with her and my brother and my parents. I am blessed with the biggest hearts in the world and they all love me. My parents. My brother. My daughter.  I'm not ready.

I may not be lucky,
But I am blessed.. I love deeply, and I'm deeply loved in return.

How many can say that?

Lena Zeller
@Lenaonme68 

                  

                                                 Brianna, Lena & a friend.

       

I hope you found this as powerful & truthful as I did. And I sincerely hope reading this has put into proper perspective all our daily dramas or annoyances or money problems or paper cuts.

Lena has one last wish...She wants to come to LA to see my Lupus Doctor.
If you can spare a few dollars, I believe hers to be a worthy cause. I've gotten to know Lena & her daughter, and they're truly beautiful souls.

But what's most important is, I hope Lena feels good about this tribute to her incredible spirit. I'm so proud I'm able to give her a voice.

Love, 

@kjothesmartass

Www.gofundme.com/ekb7qk